joke of the week

 

week 10, year 2003:

Relax and enjoy the crisis.

 

week 9, year 2003:

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

 

week 8, year 2003:

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

 

week 7, year 2003:

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

 

week 6, year 2003:

Sorry I'm a quarter of an hour late -- but I was born 15 mitutes too late and never caught up.

 

week 5, year 2003:

There's no future in time travel!

 

week 4, year 2003:

The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.

 

week 3, year 2003:

The difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs!

 

week 2, year 2003:

Since when is talking a sign of thinking?

 

week 1, year 2003:

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

 

week 52, year 2002:

Nearly all knowledge in the world has been gathered at the expense of somebody's burnt fingers. Bob Edwards

 

week 51, year 2002:

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

 

week 50, year 2002:

I've told you a million times to quit exaggerating.

 

week 49, year 2002:

Me hates peoples who don't use gooder English.

 

week 48, year 2002:

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. La Rouchefoucauld

 

week 47, year 2002:

Anybody who doesn't reduce his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.

 

week 46, year 2002:

All extremists should be taken out and shot.

 

week 45, year 2002:

When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." Vine Deloria, Jr.

 

week 44, year 2002:

There is nothing that I can do quick -- except one thing: I'm getting tired very quick.

 

week 43, year 2002:

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. Clint Eastwood

 

week 42, year 2002:

We call our baby 'Coffee' because he keeps us awake all night.

 

week 41, year 2002:

Condoms are easier to change than diapers.

 

week 40, year 2002:

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

 

week 39, year 2002:

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 

week 38, year 2002:

More than 49.9% of all people are below average.

 

week 37, year 2002:

Always give 100% at work: 12% on Mondays 23% on Tuesdays 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursdays 5% on Fridays.

 

week 36, year 2002:

Bumper sticker: I brake for Hallucinations.

 

week 35, year 2002:

It is said that the limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.

 

week 34, year 2002:

Keep your eyes open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

 

week 33, year 2002:

I am not young enough to know everything.

 

week 32, year 2002:

Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions...

 

week 31, year 2002:

Define H2O and CO2: H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. From a school teacher's record

 

week 30, year 2002:

Death is a great way to cut down on expenses. Woody Allen

 

week 29, year 2002:

Be careful of the toes you step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that you might have to kiss tomorrow.

 

week 28, year 2002:

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are. Chauncey Depew

 

week 27, year 2002:

Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.

 

week 26, year 2002:

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

 

week 25, year 2002:

What are the three worst words to hear while making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

 

week 24, year 2002:

Trash your "To Do List"; you won't do it anyway.

 

week 23, year 2002:

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

week 22, year 2002:

An achaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

 

week 21, year 2002:

All computers wait at the same speed.

 

week 20, year 2002:

Doing nothing makes you tired 'cause you can't take a break.

 

week 19, year 2002:

Clear analysis of any situation is frequently mistaken for pessimism.

 

week 18, year 2002:

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. Samuel Beckett

 

week 17, year 2002:

Nobody devotes effort to proving himself wrong.

 

week 16, year 2002:

The best proof of intelligent life in outer space is the fact they've never contacted us.

 

week 15, year 2002:

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him!

 

week 14, year 2002:

No amount of planning can replace dumb luck.

 

week 13, year 2002:

I sometimes think that God, in creating men, somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde

 

week 12, year 2002:

How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person.

 

week 11, year 2002:

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

 

week 10, year 2002:

The most common start of a discussion about marriage: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"

 

week 9, year 2002:

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. Oscar Wilde

 

week 8, year 2002:

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: 1: Never tell everything you know.

 

week 7, year 2002:

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. From a school teacher's record

 

week 6, year 2002:

Forgive your enemies... but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!

 

week 5, year 2002:

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

 

week 4, year 2002:

Intelligence is the most justly spread thing in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.

 

week 3, year 2002:

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. Franklin P. Jones

 

week 2, year 2002:

And the Dollar is holding steady at 100 cents.

 

week 1, year 2002:

Happy New Year!

 

week 52, year 2001:

Patient: Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show? Doctor: Nothing.

 

week 51, year 2001:

I'd rather be lucky than smart.

 

week 50, year 2001:

Lady Astor: "Sir, if you were my husband I would poison your coffee!" W. Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."

 

week 49, year 2001:

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people that annoy me.

 

week 48, year 2001:

We do precision guesswork.

 

week 47, year 2001:

There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning.

 

week 46, year 2001:

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?

 

week 45, year 2001:

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.

 

week 44, year 2001:

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

 

week 43, year 2001:

Warranty: If it breaks, both halves are yours.

 

week 42, year 2001:

Nothing is faster than the speed of light... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light turns on.

 

week 41, year 2001:

I wouldn't say my brother is stupid, but he couldn't empty water from a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

 

week 40, year 2001:

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

 

week 39, year 2001:

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. Mark Twain

 

week 38, year 2001:

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

 

week 37, year 2001:

The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.

 

week 36, year 2001:

Some times when I lay in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself: 'Man, I need to fix that roof!'

 

week 35, year 2001:

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.

 

week 34, year 2001:

Famous last words: All clear, guys.

 

week 33, year 2001:

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones

 

week 32, year 2001:

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

 

week 31, year 2001:

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

 

week 30, year 2001:

Waiter:"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" First customer: "I'll have tea." Second customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

 

week 29, year 2001:

Thank you for not annoying me more than you do...

 

week 28, year 2001:

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

 

week 27, year 2001:

I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time either.

 

week 26, year 2001:

Windows: Old indian saying. It means: "White man staring at hour glass".

 

week 25, year 2001:

If it's too loud, you're too old.

 

week 24, year 2001:

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfish

 

week 23, year 2001:

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

 

week 22, year 2001:

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

 

week 21, year 2001:

If you want the last word in an argument, say 'Yes you're right'.

 

week 20, year 2001:

People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.

 

week 19, year 2001:

I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

 

week 18, year 2001:

Work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

 

week 17, year 2001:

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin

 

week 16, year 2001:

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.

 

week 15, year 2001:

Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

 

week 14, year 2001:

The long weekend was created because it's impossible to cram all the bad weather into two days.

 

week 13, year 2001:

File not found... I'll load something *I* think is interesting.

 

week 12, year 2001:

Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

 

week 11, year 2001:

An expert is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.

 

week 10, year 2001:

I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food!

 

week 9, year 2001:

An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

 

week 8, year 2001:

Seen on a T-shirt: I'm a bomb disposal expert. If you see me running, try to keep up.

 

week 7, year 2001:

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

 

week 6, year 2001:

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

 

week 5, year 2001:

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

 

week 4, year 2001:

A train station is, where the train stops. Now, what's a workstation?

 

week 3, year 2001:

We learn from history that we don't learn from history.

 

week 2, year 2001:

Message from SYSADMIN: Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!!!

 

week 1, year 2001:

IN GOD WE TRUST. Everybody else pays cash. 

 

week 52, year 2000:

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

 

week 51, year 2000:

Y ou rha r d d i sk i sfr a gme n te d .Pl eas eru n DE F RA G.E XE!

 

week 50, year 2000:

Q: What's a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year.

 

week 49, year 2000:

Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

 

week 48, year 2000:

Famous last words: "I'll cut the blue wire."

 

week 47, year 2000:

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

 

week 46, year 2000:

How should I know what I think, before I hear what I say?

 

week 45, year 2000:

2000 lbs. of Chinese soup = Won Ton

 

week 44, year 2000:

Male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.

 

week 43, year 2000:

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

 

week 42, year 2000:

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers.

 

week 41, year 2000:

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

 

week 40, year 2000:

Don't help me. It's hard enough on my own already.

 

week 39, year 2000:

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

 

week 38, year 2000:

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

 

week 37, year 2000:

Computers are like air conditioners - they stop working properly when you open windows.

 

week 36, year 2000:

According to a recent survey, the first thing a man notices on a woman is her eyes.

According to another survey, men lie a lot.

 

week 35, year 2000:

All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

 

week 34, year 2000:

Home: A place where a man can say what he likes, because no one listens to him anyway.

 

week 33, year 2000:

It's incredible when we think how little our parents knew about child psychology and how wonderful we turned out to be.

 

week 32, year 2000:

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

 

week 31, year 2000:

Wise people are full of doubts (I think).

 

week 30, year 2000:

The only one who got things done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

 

week 29, year 2000:

Sex is better than logic. But I can't prove it!